Cast of Metro Characters

There are certain characters I imagine you can find on every subway, metro or train. At least this has been my observation. There is always someone doing a song & dance - literally - in the hopes of enchanting droid like metro users into parting with their money. Yup "droid like" cause every passenger except the people traveling in packs literally shut down and assume the "I am not your friend! Don't mess with me! " face once they enter the zones of mass public transportation . Enter "Phone Guy” (or person – more gender neutral) who wishes to “bless” the whole world with his conversation. Now these conversations are by their very definition fraught with some type of drama that the average person would prefer to keep private rather than have on blast to John & Jane public. One may argue that maybe this guy is just hard of hearing or he doesn’t realize how loud he is or his phone is shit or… or… or ...point is Phone Guy is just LOUD, usually about personal stuff giving all the other passengers without earphones an ear full. Then you have the “Beautiful Person” - that person who is so breathtakingly bright and shiny - you have to force yourself not too stare at them or you run the risk of adopting the persona of “Creepy Person” (coming up) . They usually smell really good too, so if you stand next to them, you are tempted to sniff them (which you tell yourself is a lesser evil than licking them) or frequently inhaling deeply - again you run the risk of becoming Creepy Person. Really the only way to deal with this is to – LOOK AWAY! – kind of like stepping away from the light – keep eyes averted and fain disinterest. Then there is "Make-out Couple" (in some places like Madrid that is every 5th couple - we talk about that later). This couple feels the need to "express" their love as publicly as possible, best excuse - they live with parent and it’s the only place they can do it privately because after all no one is really paying attention - are they? Except - there is a look of “get a room” (which the couple alone is oblivious too) on everyone’s face and the slow shaking of heads once they disembark. This one is followed by “Loud Teenage Mob”, which is amplified 100% if this teenage mob consists solely of pubescent giggling teenage girls - need I say more. Now on to “Creepy Person” (usually a guy). This is the guy that makes you hug yourself or your purse or makes you think about full deck of cards, marbles not rolling in same direction, loony toons etc. He stares too long, sniffs too much, twitches frequently and mumbles to no one in particular. Next up “Smelly Guy” (sorry guys usually it is a guy). Smelly guy needs no introduction, we all know him - the burn your nose, I am going to die or throw up if I don't get of this train now guy. This guy causes mass evacuation at the earliest convenience, makes you get off before your stop or quickly transfer between cars. This is the guy who has you smelling your clothes in the hopes of counteracting your rolling stomach with your own scent. It’s the same guy whose stink stays in your nose - this results in you sniffing yourself for the rest of the day because you swear the stink is now in your clothes! The final persona to the cast of metro characters (for now) is a rare creature rarely seen except late at night or very early in the morning, when most people are not using the metro. I recently had the opportunity to sight this rear creature around 10:30am. His existence was discovered thanks to the putrid, disgusting and upsetting smell of vomit! This smell led unsuspecting commuters to the "I'm So Drunk I Puked On Myself And Passed Out Cold On The Train Guy”. It's 10:30 in the morning so this guy was probably passed out on line 7 (yup I remember the line number) since earlier on in the morning after, what I imagine will be described later – over drinks no less – as an awesomely epic night. If in fact somewhere along line 7 was ever actually his destination. He has been passed out in his own stink for possibly hours while commuters get on and off the metro subjected to his humiliation and the most revolting smell so early in the morning. I guess in the grand scheme of things it’s only humiliating, if he actually wakes up and feels ashamed ...would have loved to be the fly on the wall wearing a gas mask of course to see what happened when he got up. One thing for sure no was going to rob or harass him – a fool proof way to sleep on the metro unmolested.